Friday, June 12, 2009

Insurance Jokes: You May As Well Laugh

Here are some insurance jokes to help you keep some perspective while you are dealing with insurance agents and insurance adjusters.

Q: What’s wrong with Claims Adjuster jokes?
A: Claims Adjusters don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.
Q: What do claims adjusters use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What is the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead claims adjuster lying in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a claims adjuster making love to a beautiful woman.

"That's not fair," he complained. "I face torment for all eternity, and that adjuster gets to spend it making love to a beautiful woman."

"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question her punishment?"
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I'm
here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

“That's quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I'm here because my house and
all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?”" he asked.
A woman was in the hospital after feeling very ill. The doctor says to her, "I have some bad news for you. You only have three months to live."

"Oh that's terrible," the woman sighs, "what am I going do?"

The doctor replies, "Marry an insurance agent."

"Will I live longer?" asks the woman. "

"No," replies the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
A drunk wanders into the bar of a hotel where an insurance convention is being held. He yells, "I think all insurance agents are crooks, and if anyone doesn't like it, come up and do something about it."

Immediately, a man runs up to the drunk and says, "You take that back!"

The drunk sneers and replies, "Why, are you an agent?"

"No," the man replies, "I'm a crook."
An insurance agent, a lawyer and a used car salesman are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. "I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says.

The used car salesman volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed.

In a short time they're awakened by a knock. It's the used car salesman, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal."

The lawyer says that he'll sleep in the barn.

The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock.

It's the lawyer who says, "There's a pig in the barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal."

So the insurance agent is sent to the barn.

It's getting late, and the others soon fall asleep.

But they're awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It's the cow and the pig!
Last night as I lay sleeping, I died or so it seemed,
Then I went to heaven, but only in my dream.

Up there St. Peter met me, standing at the pearly gates,
He said "I must check your record, please stand here and wait."

He turned and said "Your record is covered with terrible flaws,
On earth I see you rallied for every losing cause.

I see that you drank alcohol and smoked and used drugs too,
Fact is, you've done everything a good person should never do.

We can't have people like you up here, your life was full of sin,"
Then he read the last of my record, took my hand and said "Come in."

He lead me up to the Big Boss and said "Take him in and treat him well,
He used to work in Insurance, he's done his time in hell."
The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
An insurance agent said to a customer, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."

"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Mr. Smith. "You know that I file many claims and always pay premium late."

The insurance agent said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred like you."
The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. The agent asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father.

The agent wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged.

The agent pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"
Two insurance claims managers are discussing business one day. One manager asked "How many adjusters do you have working for you?"

The other manager replied "About half of them."
An insurance adjuster was teaching his 16-year-old daughter to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.

"I can't stop!" she shrieked. "What should I do?"

"Brace yourself," advised her Dad, "and try to hit something cheap."
The other day my house caught fire. The insurance agent said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?"

I said, "Fire and theft."

Insurance agent frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."

Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed WHILE it's burning down.
Two insurance agents were driving down a country road at high speed and passed a pickup truck with an old couple inside. "Look at those fools, Pa! Must be a couple of insurance agents and they will surely meet their maker soon, I tell you."

Well, sure enough, a little while later the couple comes across a bad accident involving the two insurance agents. "Well Maw, we got to do what any good folk would do and give'm a decent burial."

So the couple dug a hole and buried the insurance agents. Just as they were putting their tools away, a cop drives up. "You folks see this accident?"

"No sir, but we knew them dang fools were going to have it when they passed us doing a hunnert miles an hour. Well, we finally come across the accident and gave them insurance agents a decent burial"

"You were sure that they were dead??"
"Well, they said they weren't, but you know how those insurance agents exaggerate!"
Two women are playing golf when one of them asks the other, "Do you and your husband have mutual climax?"

The other woman replies, "No, I think we have Allstate."
A traveler wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. The shop specialized in human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read:

Laywer Brains ... $9/lb

Doctor Brains ... $12/lb

Engineer Brains ... $15/lb

Claims Adjusters' Brains ... $1,000/ounce

Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted, "My, those claims adjuster's brains must be something."

To which the butcher replied, "Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many of them you have to kill to get an ounce of brains?!"
What do you get when you cross a monkey with a claims adjuster?
Nothing. There are some things even a monkey won’t do.
Q: Do you know the difference between a claims adjuster and a whole life insurance policy?
A: A whole life insurance policy eventually matures.

There! Now, go finish your insurance claim!

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